20 Nov Hold us. Surround us. Protect us.
In Canto II of Dante’s Inferno, as Dante and Virgil get ready to make their way to the Inferno of Hell, Dante questions whether he is worthy and ready to make the necessary journey. Virgil reveals that he has been sent by angelic spirits to help and guide Dante to rediscover the right path.
“A faithful one now stands in need of you, and I would like for you to help {me}.” – Dante’s Inferno, Canto II
Four years ago, my husband uttered a few short words and at that moment, I knew that our marriage was over and my whole world and my family’s whole world fell down like a house of cards in an instant. I stood there in the doorway of my kitchen with the debris of my life in piles around me like the aftermath of an earthquake, smoke and dust filling the air and everything that I had built and loved instantly destroyed.
Just as in the immediate aftermath of a crisis, the first thing to do is triage the situation and stop the bleeding. We spent the next few months planning how to tell the kids and our families and friends and how we were going to move from this life into different and separate lives.
Externally, I looked like the strong, supportive, amazing and efficient person I had always been. But internally, my whole life was in an upheaval. Nothing was the same. Nothing was going to be the same. I wasn’t sure if I was going to be okay. I wasn’t sure if the kids were going to be okay. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know where to start.
My dad died when I was pregnant with Nikki. I was close with my dad. I had this hero protector image of him. After he died and reflecting back on his life and personality, I now see past that immature image I had of him to the vulnerable, human side of my dad. His flaws, struggles and triumphs of his life makes me feel closer to him because I know that underneath was a man who was just doing the best he could in this human life and who loved his family deeply.
I have always believed that we are surrounded by and protected by spiritual beings. After my dad died, I talked to him when he popped into my mind or when I needed some prayers. I thought often about all these strong people that watch over us: my mom’s sisters, Mary and Sophie; my grandmothers; my grandfather; my aunts Jackie, Mae and Margaret and so many more. When I think of them I feel so surrounded and loved.
The task of dismantling my life and extricating myself from this physical and emotional life that I had built with Bob felt insurmountable. But the enormity of what was happening in my life was being counterbalanced by a deep knowing that all of this was divinely planned. All of it was in order. All of it exactly as it should be. I started to talk and pray to my dad every day. I asked him and all of my guardians to “Hold us. Surround us. Protect us.” Knowing that the divine and my spirit family was surrounding us in immense love allowed me to surrender to the human aspect of life as it was and invite the divine spiritual plan to immerge. (Sometimes easier said than done.)
Days turned into weeks; weeks into months; months into years. With every step I asked to be protected and surrounded. I stumbled through the dark not knowing my way but always finding a safe place to rest. I gave thanks to every tiny movement towards healing. I felt so blessed and grateful.
I have scavenged through the rubble of my old life and took only what I love and cherish. I have surrounded myself with only what brings me joy. I have begun to excavate parts of me that have been hidden and am bringing each fragile beautiful piece into the light. Slowly, slowly brushing away the dust to unearth each piece. Each discovery and each delight a divine gift bestowed upon me.
I still move slowly through the forest; one step at a time. I ask for divine guidance and protection every day. I watch carefully for signs and guideposts to help navigate the trail. I am alone, but never alone.
